Life as a widow in US

My Life as an Asian Widow in the US

As I approach the 2-year mark of losing my husband, I realize I’ve changed.

I am still uncomfortable talking about my grief and I try my best to avoid talking about it (even though deep inside I would really like to be able to talk freely about it). It’s an inner conflict that I am aware of. I fear that if I talk about it, I am going down that rabbit hole and I am pouring all my heavy emotions on people who are not responsible for carrying or feeling those emotions from me.

I pride myself in not wallowing in my grief, I gave myself a limit to how long I should cry and how long I should stay in a depressing state of mind…why? because my kids need me, my students need me, and I don’t want my family to worry about me.

Is this the right way? honestly, I don’t know.

It helped me to move through but I also think I bottled up a lot of emotions and grief.

I turn 38 this year. What a strange feeling.

I still refer to him as my husband. Someone once told me, you need to wake up, he is dead and he is gone and you are not married anymore. First of all, that was really hurtful. Secondly, no matter what sort of feelings I might develop for someone, I would never ever accept he/she if they said that to me. If you can’t accept my grieving days or my emotions (which I know is quite a mess at times and its not easy for anyone to handle), you can’t expect me to accept you into my life - PERIOD.

Sorry, I still feel very much married. I didn’t get a divorce. I don’t know how I can possibly feel like I’m not married. Maybe if he were to say goodbye or maybe if he told me that he would want me to find someone new….maybe I would feel differently about this…

At the end of the day, it is what it is… I’m navigating this new life without him and doing my best to move through my grief.