Holiday Grief: How it turns up for me

I diligently planned for my holiday escape almost a month ago just so that I can be away from VT. I didn’t want to be at home and I didn’t want to spend my Thanksgiving in this ‘house’ without Jozef around.

It was meant to be a birthday/ holiday getaway with my kids… I was excited and I was extremely eager to get out. I felt that I was ready to tackle the holiday being away from VT. Technically I am still escaping but I thought it was a good and an improvement from my insufferable grief.

Guess what, despite my kids constant bickering at each other, the trip itself was pretty great. We shopped, we ate and we did some stuff as a family. I even visited the gym we used to work in and met with everyone there that reminds me of those days without feeling that heartache like it used to. I didn’t dread walking into that gym from the parking lot, it felt more like walking ‘home’ in a way. Familiar faces and familiar atmosphere, but I remained feeling happy to see everyone. That sharp stabbing pain was no where to be seen…

So, I obviously felt proud of my accomplishment and drove back on Thanksgiving day itself.

A lot of people asked why I didn’t stay for Thanksgiving and my answer was I want to avoid traffic. But the honest truth is: I felt slightly bitter and despite me trying my best to ignore it, I do think that the ugly grief was trying to seep in. I was bitter about Jozef not being here and that everyone else had their family to be together. I didn’t want to be part of someone else’s Thankisgiving, i want mine. I blurted out that I have nothing to be thankful for to a friend…which was really just something I said out of anger & grief. Its like, silently, I wanted to boycott Thanksgiving, for reminding me each year that he got sick right after a family holiday that reminds us all to be thankful for each other…How cruel…

I still refuse to acknowledge that it is part of the holiday grief because…hey, I’m better than that…I am stronger and I won’t crumble.

Next day, my brother texted me that he had a dream with Jozef in it. He was so happy and relaxed coaching a bunch of young boys in the gym. He came out of his office, said hi Benjamin and all the kids came running to him….and guess what, I broke down uncontrollably, tears just fell down and I crumbled.

I can see it, and I guess that was what I had tried so hard to just not visit in my head these days.

I miss him still…and I guess I’m mad that he doesn’t come in my dreams, I’m mad that he is not around…even though I refuse to admit that.

Holiday grief is ugly and I’ll have to get through December still…

Just like they all say: Grief never really goes away…